Our featured article from the
April 2014 issue of Stand & Shine Magazine.
Written by Kelsey Reed
Does your stomach churn when you think about dating?
Maybe you're on the cusp of sixteen and getting ready to enter the dating scene. Maybe you're older and disillusioned with it all. Maybe you're sick of paying for girls' choice dances. Whatever your reason, many teenage girls feel anxiety when dating is mentioned. But don't give up yet! Here I answer your questions and give you the long-term perspective needed to brave the dating world.
Dating can be really fun.
But I am not having fun, you say. Alright, it can also be frustrating. But once you understand the why's and what's of dating, it's easier to stomach the ups and downs.
Why should I date?
There are many reasons to date, like making new friends, trying new things, and just having fun. But the main reason why we date is to find someone to marry. God intended for us to live in families, and marriage forms a new family. (Keep in mind that not everyone's timeline for marriage is the same, and you belong to a family even when you aren't married.)
So why bother group dating?
The prophets have counseled us to stick to group dating while in high school. That means getting engages is definitely out of bounds, so why bother? Besides the other reasons like fun and making friends, group dating is great practice. You learn how to interact with young men.
But I'm already friends with guys, you say. Well, a romantic relationship is different from a friendship.
Besides the obvious differences like physical attraction, a romantic relationship takes more emotional and spiritual work. Going to prom probably won't involve as much work as living under the same roof and raising kids, but it gives you the chance to practice get-to-know you questions, figure out what you like and dislike in someone, and learn how to pin a corsage - just kidding about the last one! No one needs to know that.
Dating as a teen builds the foundation for later one-on-one relationships. Think of it as training wheels on your dating bicycle. You're going to get fewer hurt knees in the long run.
But pairing off with a guy, even in a group, scares me!
That's okay. That's why group dating is such a great way to start out. Go on dates that involve lots of interaction with friends (like ideas found on our blog). And if the thought of a date sends your blood pressure through the roof, focus on your friendships with boys for awhile. You'll get there.
What if no one wants to date me?
It gets old when you have a friend who gets asked out all the time, and you're left on the couch watching
Pride and Prejudice for the billionth time. I've been there. Here's a secret: most girls aren't getting asked out that often. Maybe you are so awesome, guys think they're not good enough for you. Maybe the boys around you are shallow jerks. Only you know for sure.
The way to beat this is to open up to new possibilities. Think about doing the asking yourself (even if it's just your group of gal pals inviting a group of guys to play games.) Look around you and see if you're letting prejudice stand in the way of a friendly date with a guy who has a heart of gold but doesn't look like a movie star. Who cares if he's in debate and you're on the soccer team. Don't be a Mr. Darcy and miss an opportunity to befriend someone outside your social circle.
What if the guys around here don't share my standards?
Are most kids in your area not LDS? If that's the case, don't skip out on stake dances, EFY, and similar activities. Bother your Young Womens president if you don't have any of these opportunities. Also, open yourself up to group dates with guys who aren't Mormon. Many people outside our faith share similar beliefs like practicing abstinence before marriage. Make sure you have the same expectations beforehand, and ask your parents for guidance.
Why can't I have a boyfriend now?
Two reasons. First, you don't want to go too far down the path of physical affection. You need to decide now if you will
hold hands or kiss and where your red line is, but sticking with a group and dating more than one guy helps you avoid crossing that line.
The other reason is that you need to meet lots of different people. Mormons don't believe in soul mates, that only one person out there is right for you. But that doesn't mean that some people can't be
more right for you than others. It is easier to make a relationship work when you agrees on most of the big picture stuff.
While we were dating, my husband told me he would never live in a house with pets. I was fine with that, but for someone else, it could be a huge issue. By going out on dates with many different guys, you increase the chance of meeting someone who is most right for you. As you meet more guys, you also get a better idea of what you need and want from a relationship.
What if I just don't want to date?
Not everyone is ready to date at sixteen. It's difficult to transition overnight (and you'll run into the same period of shock when you get the green light for steady dating after high school). Ease into each stage to avoid feeling like you're drowning.
In the meantime, strengthen your friendships. Find things you're good at and love to do. Focus on being the best person you can be, and when the time is right, you'll make a great date.
But I really hate all the cutesy prom invites and formalities.
I hear you. I was never into hiding clues in a pie and having to complete a jigsaw puzzle to get my answer several days later. Some people like that, but if it's not for you, then don't do it. When I was eighteen, I'd had enough. I sat next to my friend and asked, "Would you go to the dance with me?" He said yes. Do whatever you're comfortable with.
As for the formalities on dates, it's a good thing that your date feels different than hanging out. It's important that you and your date focus attention on each other; that's how you get to know one another better. But you can choose how formal you want your date to be. If like me you don't like waiting for a man to open your car door, do it yourself. If it's important to you that he does, wait for him to do it. If the formalities really bother you, try to go on dates outside of school dances, as those tend to be more over-the-top with dating rituals.
What if I don't have enough money to go on dates?
Dates don't have to cost money. (Look on our blog for lots of ideas.) The point of your date is to get to know someone, not to go broke. For more expensive dates like school dances, find ways to save money. Swap dresses with your friends instead of buying a new one. Rent a dress. Make your own like I did one year (it was simple, but I loved it because I made it). Ask your grandma if you can cut flowers from her garden. For one of my dances, someone's older sister took our photos in a nearby park, and they turned out much prettier than my other backdrop dance pictures. Or you can choose to skip some of these traditions and just have some fun in your nicest Sunday dress and best smile. Start a new tradition.
I had a bad experience, or my friend did. I don't want to get hurt.
No one, male or female, deserves to be hurt, but most of us do end up with minor hurt feelings at some point. Surround yourself with kind people. Don't put up with anyone toying with your feelings. Realize, though, that we are all human and even nice people make mistakes. Take your time and choose your dates wisely. Make sure to apologize when you are in the wrong, as well.
If you or your friend were hurt in a more serious way, though, you should tell your parents, principal, church leaders, or any trusted adult. Tell them if you or someone else was physically hurt, forced to do something they didn't want to do, or verbally bullied with name calling and the like. You should always speak up if behavior that makes you uncomfortable is happening to anyone. It may be scary, but in the long-term it will be better for everyone.
Keep looking forward.
At this age, your job isn't to find Prince Charming, it's to learn how to be a good friend and human being. You may have heard this before, but it bears repeating: high school is only the beginning. After graduation, you will had the opportunity to meet tons of new people and learn many new things. You're just learning how to ride the dating bicycle, so try to keep an open mind and a sense of humor. Pray for Heavenly Father's guidance and you'll make it through.
